Shaking Self Doubt
Self Doubts
This afternoon I returned home from a wonderful weekend in the mountains with Jim followed by brunch with some artist friends. It was an excellent weekend. [photo above taken on a beautiful drive we took on saturday].
Not long after returning home I found myself in a less than happy mood full of the type of self doubts that rarely rear their ugly head anymore. Keeping a gratitude journal and focusing on all the positive things in my life the past year has really helped keep me grounded.
But for some reason this afternoon my mind was saying something like this:
Why are you making art? Why not just go to the day job and come home and relax? Making art is a lot of work and what do you have to show for it? Why are you building a studio? Do you really think you deserve a huge new studio in this economy? Why are you making art anyway? What value does it have? Why do you think you can sell it and live off your art? Get real.
etc, etc. I suspect most artists can relate.
I knew I was headed in a bad direction that could bring art production to a halt for the week and possibly the month, if I continued to have this little pity party for myself.
So I took a nap since I lack motivation to do anything else. I woke up in the same mood.
So I called a friend and whined. They were supportive as they could be but I was being annoying and this little pity party wasn’t going to go away after a few nice words. This was my responsibility to end, not someone else.
Score One for My Mind
So I thought to myself: you have been here before and you have 2 choices. Let this win and spend the entire evening/week/month online doing nothing or maybe you could try something different and just get over yourself.
So I went to my studio and just got to work making art. I wandered off after 10 minutes but pulled myself back to the studio after a bit. I was determined that even if I couldn’t shake the feeling I was going to at least get something done.
I was in a pretty pissy mood and had plenty of negative thoughts and it was rough going at first. I tried to think of something I was grateful for and could think of nothing. Eventually I got the focus to interrupt the stream of negativity and reminded myself how much I love to make art and slowly I could bring in other things I was grateful for.
My mantra was "Art is valuable, My art is valuable". I started repeated it over and over again when I caught my mind having a little pity party.
I also asked myself what I was gaining by thinking all these negative thoughts. I can’t say I came up with a good answer for this but I did decide I wasn’t gaining anything I wanted and that helped to put an end to the unpleasantness in my head.
After 3 1/2 hours the positive thoughts won and the self doubt and negative voice was put back in the box as it doesn’t serve me right now. Yay.
I’m really excited about the textile painting I was working on and Home #2 should be done tomorrow and I’ll post a photo of it.
Posted by Lisa in: Being an Artist
Tagged: choices, making art, Motivation, self doubt
Tara Reed said,
October 5, 2008 @ 9:53 pm
Lisa –
You are SO not alone in this! Self-Doubt seems to have been making it’s rounds this week, I had a little visit from him myself. :) Thank you for the great post — your mantra is wonderful!
Tara
TaraReedDesigns.com
Janice said,
October 6, 2008 @ 12:56 am
Dear Lisa,
I found your blog at about 7.30am this morning,via making a mark, the weather outside was rubbish and I was dreading heading into my 9-5 job as a production manager as I knew there was a project to get started that I had been putting off for weeks.
Your posts on the scrum method and enhancing your production motivated me to go into work, drag out a whiteboard, get organised and get started.
My job is about being organised so the method wasn’t so much a revelation but an impetus into getting it public so I knew everyone could see my targets and blockages. I had an extremly productive day and made a great start on something that I have felt was a weight around my neck.
Now I’m home and daylight savings means the sun is still shining into my room, I’m still motivated to get started on my scrum for home so that I can become the artist i want to be.
So when it all seems to hard, remember that everyday there are people like me being inspired by people like you who actually DO the things e think about doing.
All the best,
Janice.
Daniel Sroka said,
October 6, 2008 @ 7:03 am
Good for you for pulling yourself out of a tailspin. I had one of these bouts this past Friday. The main driver was the economy: “here I am indulging myself when I should be doing more for the economic security of my family”. That sort of thing. What pulled me out of it was sitting down and analyzing what my options were. I realized that even if I did get a “real job”, once I calculated in all the new expenses it would bring (new clothes, gas money, train fare, more help with the kids, less time to work around the house, loss of all art income) it wouldn’t help that much.
natalya said,
October 6, 2008 @ 7:45 am
ah yes the pity party… been there recently… glad that it’s back in the box for you!
Kim Hambric said,
October 6, 2008 @ 8:24 am
Art is valuable. While there is enough ugly, negative, and depressing art out there, I find the majority of it to be uplifting. To create art is to be hopeful. There IS beauty in the world. It is the artist’s job to find it, expose it, and express it.
Grace said,
October 6, 2008 @ 6:04 pm
Everyone goes thru bad patches. Sometimes those of us like me, who are still trying to find a consistent voice, needs to see that that we ALL experience the shaky attitude about the art we produce.
Thank you Lisa for making it real. I glad you were able to swing thru it to the other side.
Jennie said,
October 6, 2008 @ 8:18 pm
Well Done for pulling yourself out of a tailspin! and for writing so honestly about it. Thankyou. I’ve been in a shocking slump lately, I do think self doubt plagues all artists, it’s part of living on the edge of our emotions, but it’s really helpful to read about others and how they handle it!
Robin Maria Pedrero said,
October 7, 2008 @ 5:37 am
I have been in a similar place for a few days. Sometimes I wonder why these negative thoughts pop up. I sense the economic and political status of America is a factor for some of us. Like Daniel commented although I am not the main bread winner in my family I too have entertained thoughts of a “day job” again based on the impact of the market in my spouse’s field. A piece of art is going through a rough stage and I play tug of war with what does it matter anyhow. Art does matter. Especially in these economic times.In addition to how we feel creating it, when others see it they are effected. People may be staying in a little more using less gas to get around. Art in ones home and surroundings is powerful as it enlightens, heals, alters mood, speaks of beauty, plays with patterns and gives joy. Perseverance is a key for us as artists in these times. I am glad you are excited about working again.
Jackie said,
October 7, 2008 @ 2:13 pm
I know that feeling so well. You’ll get out of it. And your Art is beautiful.
Lisa Call said,
October 7, 2008 @ 3:31 pm
Thanks everyone for your comments. I’ll be writing about this a bit more - it was getting too long for this post and wanted to post some art yesterday - but wednesday look for more about self doubt and how to work with it.